The spider

Posted on April 9, 2007

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Well, it was gone this morning.

That’s right, the spider I worried about all night. The one that had been sitting patiently in the top corner of the bathroom, nestled nicely where the wall and ceiling met. That spider. Gone.

I suppose that he (or she) didn’t cruise over to the toilet to ambush my butt. And I am pretty sure he didn’t make the trek across the vast expanse of foyer to visit me in the night. But that doesn’t mean this spider isn’t evil. And it certainly doesn’t mean anyone is safe.

I’m just waiting to wake up one morning this week with itchy bites all over my body. Or worse, a swollen eyelid. Or even worse, a spider in my ear.

These might seem like trivial things to worry about, but as you know from my companion site – thingstoworryabout.com – I am nothing if not concerned about stuff that others choose to ignore.

In addition to the spider that has now taken over my entire house, I’m angry at the Discovery Channel. Not only have they decided to stop sponsoring a team in the Tour de France, but they have been airing some mini-series, ala Dynasty, on animals killing each other.

Last night I saw lions jumping on a poor elephantom and snacking on its hind quarters. I’d call it an elephant, except the night-vision cameras didn’t make it seem as cute as the chained-up version I usually see at the circus. Or the slightly dazed, short-bus version the Republicans use as their mascot.

It seems that the United States is gripped by the very real situation of animals eating other animals. No more cats and dogs living together. No more hamsters living peaceful lives in plastic tube cities. Nope, it’s survival of the fittest.

I even saw a bird of some sort snatch a rodent or rabbit or burrowing creature from in front of its television while it watched the Masters Golf Tournament. Suffice it to say, even Tiger couldn’t save this furry little varmint.

Which reminds me that the word varmint is similar to Velomints which were the first mint I remember that came in a metal tin. And one day when I opened the tin I saw a spider inside. Since that day I’ve been a little skittish about mints and their role in the eventual world-domination plan spiders have hatched.

Similar to the circle of life, this discussion has come back to spiders. And even if killing a spider causes some rain, I’ll take the rain. For the next time I see that spider in the house, it’s going to visit my toilet. I even thought of filming the battle for the Discovery Channel, but I can’t afford another sleepless night.

More to come…

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Posted in: Genius, Life, Podcast